Drunk off your love, Seattle 26.12.2011 - 08.01.2012

So.. I'm back in Norway! To sum it all up: these past two weeks has been amazing. I've eaten good food, been a proper tourist, met both Adrian's friends and family and got the chance to relax, write and read. Most importantly I've had time with Adrian. I got to be with him again and I've truly been happy with him even though we've had our though moments.
Looking back at it I'm always filled with tears in my eyes. Still can't believe I'm back in Norway. Can't believe that we said goodbye... I wanted to get "the plan" smacked up and ready to be followed step by step, and I did... We agreed on "project closure". Right now I just can't take the steps. I don't want to...
When I got back he had written me this e-mail:

Ani,

So you're still on the plane right now and I just got back to my apartment. Today was hectic for me and felt like it went incredibly fast, I told myself that I would not cry today and I can almost say that I accomplished that task. Yet, when my dad dropped my off at the apartment tonight and I walked into my room, everything about these past two weeks suddenly rushed up onto me and I could not stop myself from crying. I hate crying and showing this side of me. For me, it shows a vulnerable side of me and I really don't like being vulnerable or showing too much emotion, you probably know that by now. 

I'm glad that you came these past two weeks. You've taught me so many things these two weeks. I've learned alot about myself and my own character. I'm so grateful that a girl like you would think of me. You deserve an amazing guy. Again, I know that I have not been good at all in keeping you company and giving you what you wanted this trip. And I apologize. I just read your letter and you said something about me having already said goodbye. I don't really know what to say to that. Anita, you know that I care so much about you and the past six months all I could think about was you and the two weeks we had together. But when you came, I tried so hard to go back to our time in China but I just couldn't. My heart wouldn't allow myself to fully commit knowing that I would have to say goodbye to you and I think that's why you saw at times that I was so distant. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you what you wanted Ani, I really am. And I'm sorry that you felt so frustrated by me this trip. The last thing that i wanted you to feel was unwanted but you ended up feeling this way.

I miss you a lot Anita, I might not show it but it kills me inside. The worst part of you coming here is that now I'm stuck with thoughts of you even though you aren't here. My room breathes of you and everything smells of you. When I sit down on the ground using my laptop, I see you sitting across from me on the bed. Even when I'm in the shower, I see your mango shower gel and I can't keep myself breaking down.

I hope this year goes well for you though and you'll have the time of your life in Chile. You know that you always have a special place in my heart. I don't say much but I hope you will never forget how much you mean to me. I will always, forever cherish you. Don't ever change, I love the Anita that I have in my heart.

Forever yours,

Adrian

Vymi was with me when I read it... It helped. 10 hours later I responded to his e-mail:

Dear dear Adrian

I'm home now. Felt dizzy and kind of sick, but after a dinner with family and a visit from Vymi I'm all good. Same here! I almost slept through the whole flight and watched two movies on the plane. I actually cried quite a lot on my way back... No surprise there huh?
Yeah, I know that side of you but give yourself a break Adrian. You're human too, even though you are my superman.

Same! These two weeks was just as great as the adventure in China to me and I couldn't ask for more. Back at you Adrian. You are so kind and original with a great taste when it comes to food and music.  "Again, I know that I have not been good at all in keeping you company and giving you what you wanted this trip."
Damn! I forgot to slap you!!! I'll give you an electronic one right now. S-L-A-P! Because... I kind of realised that on new years eve that you weren't.. "There". I knew that I cared more about you than you did about me, but I decided that I wouldn't give less of me. I hope that there were never doubt about how much I care about you during these days. And I didn't feel unwanted okay. I just had a very hard time grasping that you wouldn't give your all because there wouldn't be "an us" in the future. No hard feelings. I totally understand, Adrian. And you exceeded my expectations in other ways. I didn't expect you to spend that much time with me and to be such a good guide taking me to all these places and I really enjoyed the nights together.

I read your letters again. And as you wrote to me: it is depressing. Knowing that you're across the ocean feeling like this and not be able to do anything about it. I just want a hug from you. A kiss. I don't have the mango scrub around here, but I have the pictures. I have your gifts and the memories and it's on replay right now. I know that I'm soon going to let myself be super busy. It's my way of handling missing you.

Thanks. I wish you all the best and take care of yourself. Don't be too lazy and wake up in time for your classes! :-P

You've made me stronger, Adrian. More independent and I know to cherish the good moments more because of you and you've reminded me to not take the little good things in life for granted. I definitely don't regret coming to Seattle to visit you. I promise that I will always remember the showers, dinners, talks and the good memories we've shared. Right now you are the love of my life, I'll be having a hard time letting go. I believe that you have to let go of something to make room for something else. I know this is the right thing to do. For you. For me. Both of us in the long run.. You never know what the future will bring, but I know it will be great Adrian. I want you to be happy. I can't give you that now... I can't make you happy right now... I also believe that time has nothing to do with moving on. If you happen to meet someone or get to know one of your lovely girlfriends better and like them, then go for it :-) I'm not saying that with a smile on my face. It will be hard standing on the side line watching but yeah... I can't tell you what to do and you're.. Not mine anymore... 

You'll always be in my heart too Adrian. at the very bottom. I miss you like people in Bergen often miss the sun. I hope we'll meet again someday Adrian. I will still be the same old Anita. Just.. With more confidence and more money I guess. Hehe.

Have a nice day at school!

Love,

your Ani

This is so stupid, Anita! I really just hate myself for caring so much about him. He stole your heart. Get it back will you? I'm sure the future Anita will look back at this with a smile.