Anita Time

Hello there. So this is one of the few Fridays I've been able to spend alone. It's almost scary how little time I spend alone these days (not taking in account the time I spend studying). I made myself a great pasta dish today! I made quite a lot but it was so surprisingly good so I ate up the whole thing. After watching TV and knitting I took a hot shower. I couldn't sleep last night and I woke up in the middle of an AIESEC reflection: "we should make the google docs sustainable for the next VPs!". It hit me once again how AIESEC have had and still are having such a huge impact on me and my life. It has shaped me as a person.

I also thought of my goals for this year. So far, not telling anyone, has worked!!! I'm making progress. And just a quick update: the volleyball practises have started again and it was so much fun playing with both the old and new members! Recruitment in AIESEC at our school was a kick ass start of the semester: at the conference in Oslo I finally got to start planning and settle some expectations for the members, the info meeting turned out very good and I felt we were quite visible during this promotion period with the blue man and all. I met Doris at a GEP-lecture yesterday so we're going climbing together! Aaaand this Monday enough people signed up for the Buenos Aires trip. Woop woop!!! 10-12 days in the sun going to museums, going out to dinner and watching football games live? Ah, life is good. I've also surprised myself by being sporty: I tried pilates the other day (hard core training!) and done Zumba twice and I went to the swimming pool last night (managed to forget soap! stupid la..) Okay, now I'm just listing up things, but I have to mention that I've put the scratch map in my room and scrapped all of the countries I've been to! I didn't scrap away the whole US since I've only been to Seattle.
Which leads me to the next topic and something that has been on my mind since I left Seattle; Adrian.
I've laughed, cried, got angry and gone through this roller coaster of emotions. It was at its worst when I saw him available on g-chat on Monday. We were just told that we're going to Argentina. I told him, and this is the first time we talked since he sent med that e-mail.

A wave of anger came over me. I tried to fight the tears, but lost. I'm siting here on the bridge of crying again, but I won't allow it anymore. This experience made me realize that some things are just not possible. No matter how much I want for us to be in a normal relationship, I know it's just not possible. I have to accept the situation and it's a good learning point I'll take with me... There are some things I simply can't control and impact. I'm still in the process of accepting the situation but I know I'll get there. I will always remember what we had but I just need to decide to let go at some point.


All in all, you should be proud of yourself, Anita! Giving 110% of yourself and truly living in the moment knowing that it was in the short run. I really love travelling and get to know new people. Seeing his life and being a part of it was amazing and I could barely grasp it all- too much excitement! Another thing I really loved was that I could truly relax with him. And just going out to dinner almost every day was like being in heaven! I remember our first night together when he told me that he didn't know what to do. "I've been thinking about this day for such a long time now, that now that you're here I don't know what to do". Ditto. I've never been so dependent on a guy before and I liked being taking cared of, but not having "my own space" and my friends and life there was a challenge. When we said goodbye at the airport it was so surreal. "this is not really happening!!!". "You just came". We didn't talk much... I didn't want to say goodbye. We kissed and I stood in line. I looked back seeing him for maybe the very last time, because the next time I turned around he was gone. I must have looked so funny standing there with my bag crying while trying to cover them up with a smile.

I feel lost. I am okay, but... Just kind of lost. What is my passion? What do you want to leave behind? Do I believe in love? How small am I really? Thinking about the universe make me dizzy so I'll stop. And do I really study at NHH for my own sake or for my parents' sake? It's kind of hard separating these kind of things.
I'll stop being all Socrates and all that but the conclusion is: I need to start defining who I am and the person I want to be.
Okay, scratch the questions.. What I mean is that I feel this emptiness inside of me that my mind is trying to fill: either with questions, food or other tasks. I really miss that idiot! AAAHHHHHHHHHH.æsføjg.. Can't stop listening to his songs either. And everything keep reminding me of him. My keyboard next to reminds me of him sitting by the piano playing. "Someone like you" is on the radio from time to time and his voice is on repeat.
However, I'm grateful for having such a supportive family and friends. I met Thea over a cup of coffee in Oslo, Dinh at the train station to Oslo and Vymi, Diep and my mom has talked with me about it while several close friends have checked up on me. I should be happy and will be back on track soon.
Pretend that you are, and you'll start believe it.
"Fake it until you make it, right?"

I really needed this talk with myself! So.. Thanks, Anita :-)
Good night!

" Difficult times are miracles

They make you stronger, and wiser. You have to lean to live past all the things that you can't change, and be happy. Happy with yourself, and happy with the wonderful gift of life that god blessed you with."
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